thinking since '98

(for more pictures like this, head to my instagram @spawnoftheearth)

i've always hated when you find a new blog only to discover that it hasn't been updated in eight months and the last post is a two paragraph rant on the bachelor finale. the author has more or less fallen off the face of the earth, leaving behind a page that once was something important in their life and is now left to become lost in the void that is the internet.

i don't want this blog to become just another blog like that which is why i am writing this.

that's not to say that this is the definite end of thinking since '98. it's rather the opposite actually. i will be taking an indefinite hiatus for the time being, but it is very possible that i will be back here gracing your screens one day again.

however this doesn't change the fact that i am an attention-craving creator who seeks validation from others primarily through the world wide web. you can find me on my new photography/writing instagram @spawnoftheearth and i really hope you do. it's just as odd and wacky as this.

when i was in middle school, there used to be an after-school program called rollercoaster on abc and i used to plant my butt on the couch for the two or so hours it ran every single day. and every single time, the host, elliot, used to end the show by saying, 'bye for now, but not forever', and i think that is the most fitting way to end this.

so... bye for now, but not forever.

as 2016 comes to a close, it's time to reflect and fully realise what a godawful year it has been. even though i've only been alive for 18 of them, 2016 definitely comes in at the bottom three.

but, when i look back on the year and all the terrible events that have happened globally and in my own life, there's always been one thing that has helped me get through - music. and even though 2016 has been terrible in terms of politics, personal goals and general humanity, it's been frankly splendid in the music world. thus, here (in no particular order) is my completely unqualified and biased opinion on the top 10 albums of 2016:




10. lemonade - beyonce
i'm going to start this list with an obvious one. when beyonce does literally anything the world goes crazy and lemonade was no different. on a superficial level, i'll admit i didn't really get into the music until the second listen as it was an alternative sound from what i'd usually expect from yonce (never thought i'd hear country from queen b like in 'daddy's lessons'). however what really caught my attention was just how empowering lemonade is.

from 'don't hurt yourself' to 'sorry', beyonce's self-assured and blase tones reminded me that i'm a strong, independent young woman that don't take no shit from nobody.  not to mention the social and political issues addressed in 'freedom' or 'formation' - i'm so happy to see beyonce using her status and power to make real change in the world.

of course, you can't talk about lemonade without mentioning the mysterious woman 'with the good hair' otherwise known as one of the best marketing ploys of the year (jay z does own tidal - the service that lemonade is provided on. i can just see them clinking their glasses full of $10000 champagne, lounging in their mansion and laughing as the world scours around for 'becky')

9. know-it-all - alessia cara
2016 was a shitty year for a lot of people, but definitely not for alessia cara. i can't even remember how i heard about the 20 year old singer but i'm glad i did. the naivety and nostalgia of her freshman album quickly became the backing track of my final year of high school as she explored topics like growing up and change - both things that heavily weighed on my mind throughout 2016.

the obvious example is 'seventeen' which i was lucky enough to find while i was still actually seventeen. the [majority] of myself that identifies as an introvert could easily relate to the lyrics of 'here'. and in a time of impossible beauty expectations and body negativity, 'scars to your beautiful' was a much needed reminder to embrace ourselves and every aspect that makes us unique.

while know-it-all spoke a lot about individuality and notions of the self, it was also an album founded on friendship and love. 'wild things', 'outlaws' and 'stars' were just some of the songs that took me back to fleeting moments of laughter and indelible memories with people i love, as well as making me want to run out and make some more. honourable mention to 'how far i'll go', the song alessia did for moana and i have had on repeat - i can't wait to see what she gets up to next.

8. the life of pablo - kanye west
kanye is a lot of things and while i could probably write a whole post debating whose side yeezus is on (of which the answer would most likely end up being himself), i'm not going to do that and instead just focus on the music.

on the surface, the life of pablo was just as uproarious and unapologetic as its creator himself, but i kind of felt like there was a constant underlying tone of desperation coming from a person trying to save the world while still struggling to find his place in it. this is more obvious in 'ultralight beam' or 'famous' but is quickly covered up by kanye pondering what would happen if he got bleach on his t-shirt from a model's bleached asshole.

brownie points though for his ability to make fun of himself in the 'i love kanye' rap which is probably my favourite song on the album.

7. blonde - frank ocean
this one made the list just on the principle that frank ocean finally released his album.

but, besides just the pure novelty of it, i enjoyed the mellow vibes of it all. listening to it kind of felt like a hazy dream, taking me back to late nights and memories forgotten. the little breaks that were 'facebook story' and 'be yourself' were interesting but i'm sure they meant a lot more to frank ocean than they do to me.

6. wild world - bastille
i never really was super into bastille outside of their mainstream hits until i heard their covers in the bbc live lounge (which i highly recommend you check out). so when i saw wild world while perusing the newly added section of spotify, i thought i'd give it a go. obviously, i was not disappointed.

my favourite part of the album is the little voice recordings intertwined into the lyrics and melody. i don't know if they were made for this or are actually authentic from a time long ago, but they were refreshing and added depth to the songs.

i'm going to be honest, even though i've listened to wild world many times and practically know the lyrics to all the songs, i couldn't tell you the name of each individual one off the top of my head. they are a little similar and tend to blend together, but for me that was a good thing - altogether it's a very enjoyable 49 minutes.

5. 24k magic - bruno mars
though it came in at the tail end of 2016, 24k magic is probably the sexiest album i've ever heard. it's funny to think that the fedora-adorned singer of 'grenade' or 'the lazy song' has become this suave, silk-wearing, the definition of cool dude.

initially i thought i had clicked on the wrong thing and was listening to a smooth 90s rnb album, but, nope, 24k magic took those classic sounds, mixed in modern culture and created some killer tunes. listening to this alone in my room makes me feel a lot cooler than i actually am and sends me searching for monopoly money so i can make it rain. the album leaks confidence.

surprisingly though, i'd have to say my favourite track is the classic bruno song about lost love in 'too good to say goodbye'. if a boy sang that to me... ooft.

4. we move - james vincent mcmorrow
the first time i listened to james vincent mcmorrow was actually back when i was obsessed with teen wolf and to satisfy my needs i listened to every song that ever played on the show. amongst the various music capturing teen angst and/or action, was 'look out' from james' post tropical album. later on, after i had come out of my teen wolf phase (sorry dylan o'brien) and 'look out' played during a spotify shuffle session, i decided to check out the rest of his music and was immediately hooked.

we move delivers the same ethereal, falsetto vocals and cheerily haunting lyrics. 'i lie awake every night' has [fittingly] become my wind down song when i can't sleep, as has 'lost angles' and 'surreal'. in fact when it's 3am and my mind is still whirring, we move has become my go-to in slowing everything done. it's ability to make me fall asleep is definitely not a bad thing though - if there's one album that ensures good dreams it's this one.

3. colouring book - chance the rapper
i'm buddhist but colouring book really makes me appreciate what god, jesus and all that means to those that follow that path. from 'blessings' to 'how great', chance's story of redemption and choosing the right decisions really makes me proud that he has achieved so much success - he deserves it. that doesn't stop him from reminiscing like in 'same drugs' but it's obvious that the only direction for him in the future is up.

there's just an overall aura of positivity clouding colouring book - it's a call for friends, family, religion and just how good life can be if you let it. there's also some great jams in 'no problem' or 'angels' but, from the words of chance himself, for me colouring book is a reminder to "don't forget the happy thoughts" and one that i will cherish.

2. "awaken, my love!" - childish gambino
"awaken, my love!" could have just been 30 minutes of a toilet flushing and still would have made the list purely because i love donald glover and literally anything he does. from troy in community, his comedy special weirdo, because of the internet, derrick comedy, the 15 minutes he was in the martian, camp, marshall lee in adventure time, royalty, mystery team, voicing black spider-man, stn mtn/kauai, that time he was in the regular show with tyler, the creator, atlanta (which has quickly become a new obsession) or the 30 seconds he was in the muppet movie, i love him.

having said that, i'm glad "awaken, my love!" was not just a toilet flushing and is actually a lot better.

as has been pointed out a gazillion times since the album's release, childish' latest endeavour is different than anything he's done before. while i would have very much liked to hear him spit even just a couple of bars, his new jazzy and stirring beats held their own and are just one of the many sides of the mastermind.

1. i like it when you sleep, for you are so beautiful yet so unaware of it - the 1975
coming in at one of the most pretentious album titles of the year as well as one of my favourites is the 1975. this british band is loved by alternative teenagers at one stage or another and will always hold a special place in my heart as the first band that i really adored - i spent hours watching interviews, they were the first band i moshed too, they were the background on my phone, i named a cactus after my love, matty healy. and their latest album, without a doubt, was an imperative factor in helping me through 2016.

i actually haven't given it a good, proper listen in a long time and now as i play it while writing this all the feelings are coming back. the nostalgia, the shallow nature of modern society, the hidden internal struggle in all of us, the desperation to be somebody in this world, missing a nana i never knew.

the only criticism i have is that the titular track reminds me of the jingle in an advertisement for an australian phone company and so whenever it plays i always become mildly confused as to why my spotify premium is playing ads. other than that, i like it when you sleep, for you are so beautiful yet so unaware of it is not only the opinion of a creepy stalker but also one of my favourite albums of the year and all time.


in conclusion, the plot of 2016 was pretty crappy, the cinematography subpar. however, the soundtrack was pretty damn good.

a list by a disappointed person

1. give yourself a moment or two to fully absorb the reality of what has happened. build a cocoon and don't leave until you can wrap your head around the situation and thus be able to become a pretty butterfly (more on that later). however, make sure you're accepting the reality and

2. don't make excuses. from the words of veronica roth, "human reason can excuse any evil". this thing has happened and that is it. don't pass the blame. don't be in denial. and don't obsess over absurd fantasies where a wizard in a billowing trench coat will magically appear, tell you there's been a mistake and wave his fancy wand to make everything how you wanted it to be. or at least something along those lines. because i can tell you with 99.9% certainty that's not going to happen. instead you should

3. accept that, in this moment, this is where you are at. it's real and it sucks but this is what you have. believe me, i know how disheartening how it is to work at something and expect so much only for it all to be for nothing. but this is it. this is happening. this is your foundation from where you will

4. move on. there's nothing you can do now accept pick yourself up, dust yourself off and turn the page onto the next chapter. maybe you're a little bit behind from where you wanted to be, but that's okay because, eventually, you can catch up because you're going to

5. work harder. do better. this is a life lesson and if disney channel shows have taught me anything, it's to learn from your mistakes. run into the future but don't forget the past. make sure you never feel this horrid feeling again. though, know that

6. if you really want it to, everything will be okay in the end.

i know i'm late to the party so i'm going to keep this short and sweet (edit: my bad): after the excruciating wait to finish exams, i finally read harry potter and the cursed child. during the period where i couldn't experience jk rowling's new book play script for myself, my anticipation quickly turned to worry as i saw all the other potter fans in the world gorge themselves on it and come out the other end sad and disappointed. the worst part was when my friends that had already read it and knew how excited i was, advised me to spare myself from the horror and not even read it at all.

obviously i was never not going to read something that queen rowling wrote, but i did substantially lower my expectations. and thus, as is my life's motto, when you expect nothing, you're never disappointed.



i agree that the whole thing seemed very much like fan-fiction which was disheartening, but i think it's important to remember that the intended purpose of the script is for a performance, and therefore it was always going to be prone to theatrical elements and dialogue that distanced hpatcc from its source material in terms of quality and sincerity, plainly because it's a different art form. and i'm sure if i'd actually watched the play i'd be singing a different song right now. in comparison to the films, the special effects would have been different as would the music. for me, daniel radcliffe will always be harry, emma watson will always be hermione, rupert grint will always be ron and so on and so forth. therefore, i was always picturing the people we saw in the last scene of deathly hallows part 2 as i read hpatcc and at some points i could barely imagine the words on the page coming out of their mouths. but the play obviously had different actors, and i feel like that really cements the 'spin-off' aspect of hpatcc. though i was thrilled to see hermione played by a woman of colour, hpatcc will never be exactly on par as its predecessor.

however, the concept was really interesting. cedric's death will always be a great tragedy amongst the wizarding world and though, for me, it marks the beginning of the darkness that progressively thickens in the next three novels, they don't spend a lot of time really taking in what his death signifies. in harry's defence, he did have a dark lord to defeat, but i think that it's great that hpatcc explores the different timelines of what could have been.

i also enjoyed seeing the golden trio + draco's children and the parallels they share (or don't) with their parents. but, if i'm being honest, they're not the reason i was so eager to read hpatcc despite my friends and the internet's warnings.



i was always intrigued by the where are they now details that hpatcc offered, and in that vein i wasn't disappointed. i just wanted to know if after all the war and pain that my beloved characters experienced, they were okay. it was the same reason why i watched legend of korra - just to see what my babies from the last airbender were up to. however, though lok turned out to be unbelievably, insanely, fabulously amazing and i can't honestly say the same about hpatcc, i did appreciate the depth that it provided to the harry potter universe.

having said that, i will never forgive jk rowling for the absolute mess that is voldemort day UNTIL she writes a novella on the dark lord himself implementing the aforementioned 'holiday' around the world because oh my god i'm still laughing.

turning 18 in australia opens quite a few doors. you're an adult. you can vote. you can get your probationary licence. you can enter strike bowling after 9pm.

you can also legally drink and go clubbing and, with a wave of the magical key that is my id, that is what i did a couple of nights ago.

before i turned 18,  i was excited by the prospect of clubbing merely because all it required was to have a good time - criteria that i was okay with working for. as my friends turned 18 before me, i saw glimpses of the night life in fleeting snapchats and drunk facebook statuses. i couldn't wait to join them and finally experience all the hype.

to me, it just seemed like a party but instead of buying a present, you paid an entry fee. and i liked parties. that is, until i actually went clubbing and i remembered what happened at every party: i liked getting the invite, i liked the anticipation, i liked getting ready. and then, when i was actually at the party, i always wanted to go home. and clubbing was no different.

wait, no. it's definitely worse.

because at parties there's a sense of familiarity and belonging - the host invited you and you probably had a few friends there. but anyone with $20 and an id with a close enough looking face and a birth date before 1998 can get into a club.

let's do a run-through of the night. i went out with my friends after our valedictory. the night already started off a little suspicious when we were waiting for our uber at the petrol station near the reception centre and a man tried to pick us up because he thought we were prostitutes but luckily when he asked how old we were and we promptly replied too young for him, he nodded and drove off, yelling back at us that he actually had a wife anyways.

on the whole, our friends and i were a bit on the shy side so we knew that we would have to be a little wasted to have a good time. however, time and location constraints meant we had to dash into a beer, skull a jug of gross beer that did absolutely nothing to our blood alcohol levels, before heading off to the club.

once we got there, we had to wait in a line with the rest of the nobodies, watching the 'vips' kiss the bouncers on the cheek as they welcomed them through the red rope. as we waited, i was cold, tired, and genuinely couldn't be fucked. all i could think about was the cheesy ebook i had on my kindle that i was currently reading and how i would much rather be in bed reading it.

eventually we were let in, and to say that it was jarring going from the quiet night and cool breeze in the line to the throbbing bass and way too packed room in the club is a large understatement. my friends and i mutually decided that we were definitely not drunk enough to enter the mob, so we headed to the bar where we paid way too much money for tequila shots that were watered down anyways so, once again, they did nothing. with a sense of mild defeat, we joined what could loosely be described as a dance-floor but was much rather a glorified version of those trucks that transport cattle or sheep in that it was crowded and claustrophobic and just an overall travesty.

i'm not going to go into detail about the following three or so hours i spent in there but here's the gist: i had enough body contact to last me a lifetime and, even among the masses, i had never felt so exposed.

then there's the 'sexual tension'. what a joke. from talking to my experienced friends, i expected that guys would try to grind on you or grope you or whatever other physical contact they could get on private parts (yours or theirs). i wasn't naive. but, here's the thing. when you're not getting grinded on, you feel horrible about yourself because it means that no one is interested or you're not attractive. then, when you are getting grinded on - which happened - you just want them to get off and fuck off. i constantly felt judged from every angle and i hated it.

i'll say one thing though - the club had really good music. chance the rapper, childish gambino, kendrick, frank ocean. it was all the music i usually listened and danced to in the shower and i think i'm going to save them for just in there. however, i doubt that my first clubbing experience will also be my last. i only just turned 18. but to past dinushka, chill, clubbing really isn't that great.

at least, when you're sober it's not.

exams are over. school is over. routine is over. childhood is over.

now is the beginning.

i've been so focused on everything that is ending in these past few weeks that i've completely disregarded everything that is about to start. yesterday was my first day of the holidays that were thirteen years in the making. though they're not really holidays; they're a bridge between the known and the unknown. comfort and the great expanse. they're blank memories and experiences waiting to be filled. they're going to be the best three months of eighteen years.

as an ambitious procrastinator, my motto is 'if you don't have expectations, you can't be disappointed'. so maybe i'm setting myself up for failure. but how can i fail having fun and writing and exploring and learning? hanging out with friends and laughing and watching and growing? how can i fail living?

because that's what these three months will be. and, yeah, in between there will be a few days of waking up at 2pm and hibernating in summer. but as long as i'm in a constant state of self-pleasure, i really don't care. is that selfish? i don't think so, because i'm hoping selflessness will show itself along the way.

last post i said i wanted to pause, but now i'm ready to press play. which brings me to the point of this: i want to capture these experiences as best as i can and share them with those who want to know that somewhere, out there, a girl is having a grand time. maybe you're just looking for some vicarious happiness, or maybe you'll be doing the same thing and our lives will run parallel through the immortal nature of summer. if so, here's some shameless self-promotion!

i'm really hoping that i can utilise my newfound spare time to create, whether it be in personal projects but more so on this blog. i initially made thinking since 98 during one of the most important times in my high school career as an outlet for procrastination and in itself it became another thing for me to procrastinate. however, i'm going to stop being a lazy piece of shit (famous last words, i know) so expect some exciting new content!

which reminds me to remind you about the 98 thinkers project that you can find out all about right here! i really want to make this become a thing and i'll be scouring the creative universe for 98ers to participate!

i would also love for you to check out my instagram @akhsunid (or, as you might have noticed, you can find on my sidebar because technology is amazing) and indulge me and my innate need for attention.

in conclusion, i'm excited for what's to come and i hope you are too!! xx

so as it might/might not be apparent, the last few posts have been just some drafts that have been hanging around in my folders i've staggered out to make it look like i'm active when really i've been quite negligent in the blogging world. but, in a surprising twist, i actually have a valid reason for ignoring maintenance and am not just procrastinating because i am a lazy piece of shit. instead it's exam time over here in victoria - the moment of truth. if i'm being truly honest, i can't say i have a valid reason for procrastinating my studying like i'm doing right now but, hey, no one's perfect. also, i usually don't like being really personal here as i find straight-out baring my emotions a lot easier in the covers of my notebook that i know no one will see, but i figured i'd kill two birds with one stone: (a) vent & (b) explain my past and future absence.

i officially graduated from school about two weeks ago and yet it still hasn't really sunk in. twelve years i've spent going to the same place (after a brief stint at a local primary school). even though i only missed out on prep with my classmates, i still always kind of felt like the new kid, and it wasn't until the last few days that, in waves of nostalgia, we flicked through old photos and memories that i've realised that i grew up with these people. from awkward side-fringes to growth spurts to the acne that still taunts my face, i've done it with the vast majority of the these people that, come next month, i will probably never see again.

if i was not at school, i was on holidays, and if i was on holidays, i was just doing time until i would eventually have to go back to school. school has been all i've known until now (you can't count infancy, no one remembers shit during infancy). it's so easy to say that school sucks. the evidence is there in homework and rules and conformity. but i am truly going to miss the community that i've become so comfortable over the past twelve years. as shitty a day i could have been having, i was always comforted by the thought that right here, right now, i was where i was supposed to be. granted, it's government-mandated, but i knew i belonged - my parents paid the fees. and now i realise how truly lucky i was to go to the school i went to. academically we might not have been the best, but at least we were friends. teachers, students, ups and downs, we were a family. huh, i guess i can't say 'we' anymore.

in other news, in exactly 24 minutes from this moment i will be 18 years old. an adult. i can vote. i can get my license. i can [legally] drink. am i ready? hell no. 23 minutes.

but the list doesn't end there. a couple of months, i was helping out at the annual career expo my school holds every year. there, i met a lady from a renowned university interstate. she told me about a scholarship. i applied.

the whole application process happened across a week from when i even heard about the offer so my reasons for applying were pretty hasty. if i'm being honest, i think my imagination clouded my better judgement. moving away from home after high school was what i'd grown up seeing in movies and tv shows shipped out from hollywood. it was the american dream. but it was not the norm from where i come from. my brother graduated from school two years ago and everyone in his year level still live where they did two years ago. here. and, if i'm being honest, i secretly hoped i wouldn't get it because then the decision would be made for me. i could stay in the place i knew, doing the things i always did, having said i 'tried my best' and everything would be okay.

i received a call today. i received the scholarship.

things are going too fast right now. the exam period started on wednesday and my first exam is next week. but it still hasn't hit me that this is the end. i've been 17 for 364 days, but it still hasn't hit me that in fifteen minutes i'm 18. i've been growing up, but it still hasn't hit me that i've grown.

in video games, when things are getting crazy, you can pause. take a break. take a breath. and continue.

well, things are getting crazy right now. but i just can't find the pause button.