thinking since '98

over at sailing through books, she runs a great monthly meme called "wifsy" that you can find out all about here (while you're there, check out her reviews - i've added many a book to my to-be-read because of her!). basically the gist of it is judging a book by its cover, so i've decided to give it a go this month with the hundred lies of lizzie lovett by chelsea sedoti and i am very excited to fail miserably!



my synopsis:
my palms are sweating and my heart beats erratically like it's trying to escape from its cage. the curse echoes through my mind for the umpteenth time: "you have a hundred lies, lizzie lovett, and a hundred only. use them wisely." in my sixteen years of living, i've already used 23 of my theoretical get-out-of-jail-free cards and once again i find myself dangling on the precipice between honesty and deception.

would it be so bad if they knew the truth? it would blow over in a week - it always does. it would be okay. i would be okay.

i opened my mouth, ready to bare my soul, but his steely gaze trapped the words in my throat. what was i doing? the truth, lizzie, say the truth.

oh, dammit.

"i didn't eat the cake!" i blurted out and i felt my insides deflate. 24 lies down.

the real synopsis:
a teenage misfit named hawthorn creely inserts herself in the investigation of missing person lizzie lovett, who disappeared mysteriously while camping with her boyfriend. hawthorn doesn't mean to interfere, but she has a pretty crazy theory about what happened to lizzie. in order to prove it, she decides to immerse herself in lizzie's life. that includes taking her job... and her boyfriend. it's a huge risk - but it's just what hawthorn needs to find her own place in the world.

conclusion:
close enough

do you ever just want to restart?
hold power button to turn off, no i don't want to save.
back to when your skin had never been touched by lotion or cheap perfume.
back to when your knees had never been scarred from crawling between trees.
back to when your head had never been filled with these treacherous thoughts.
before you built the social web that now tangles you up so you can't move.
before you chose to do this or that or go right or left.
before you ended up here.
yeah, me too.

i never understood how people can be so obvious about their pain.
how they wear sadness on their face as bold as a bloodstain.
their movements lethargic and their shoulders turned down.
i never understood how they could so easily frown.
aren't you supposed to hide that all from the outside world?
keep it bottled up inside you, leave it in your stomach to swirl?
put a smile on your face and speak in uppercase,
take up only pleasantness and joy in your space
because how dare i think my feelings matter?
that i'm important enough to dull the chatter?
i'm only one among so many billions and more
why should i deem myself too cardinal to ignore?
so i lock my misery up and throw the key away
and then i wonder why no one asks me if i'm okay.

clouds are so weird. they're just these giant bundles of fluff way way up high.
i mean, obviously there's a science behind them and their existence can be explained with two dollar words like vaporisation and orographic forcing, but to me they honestly don't even look real - they look like a painting of the sky by the gods where their hands slipped and the paint spilled onto the canvas but it's okay because sometimes accidents are the best kind of art.
when the world around you is constantly moving, the clouds aren't. cars are rushing to your right, people running to your left, and you're caught up in the race. but then you look up and the clouds are just still, watching down on it all.
it isn't until you stop moving and everything around you freezes that you realise the clouds are moving too. and you realise that they have places to go and things to see. and you realise that they're not going to be there forever. and you realise what a bummer time is.

side note: i also posted this on my commaful account which you can check out here

i can cross rivers and climb mountains with energy to spare
i can explore oceans and lift boulders like they're barely even there
but give me a social excursion or a two hour dinner
and suddenly i understand how bears can sleep through winter
my cheeks hurt from smiling that superficial smile
in an attempt to make others think their gossip is worthwhile
but that doesn't compare to my thoroughly exhausted brain
who would rather drown in its own fluids than say "oh no, he didn't" again
days and days of peace and quiet
and now i'm thrust in the middle of the riot
so i run as soon as i can to the solitude of my room
hoping the serenity will once again resume
i close my eyes and am surrounded with silence

but the noise in my head doesn't stop.

by mia at chaotic tales