thinking since '98

okay so i was searching through my computer for a file i needed to work on when, oh no what a shame, i was completely distracted by other old documents i found including this masterpiece from back in year 10 literature. we were studying oedipus and were supposed to write a creative piece based on the play with complete free rein on how we went about doing it. nevertheless, i have no clue what was going on in fifteen year old dinushka's brain that made me write this. i honestly can't believe i handed this in, it's amazing. enjoy:

The night swallowed everything up in darkness to the point that you couldn’t see your hand if it was five centimetres in front of your eyes. But, MAN HAD FIRE! So the guards’ expressionless faces were lit by the flickering shadows of the burning embers.

Nothing moved in the seemingly never-ending pitch black. These guards had pulled the short straw. When you’re young and you say you ‘want to be a guard of Thebes when you grow up’, it’s not because you want leg cramps and to hear your own breathing for five hours straight. You want to catch thieves and stop murders. But who could be bothered with crime during the graveyard shift?

Finally, one of their stoic facades broke:

“Hey. Pssssst. Heeeeeeey.” One of the guards whisper-shouted to his partner.

The other guard seemed like he was embracing the belief that if you ignore something long enough, it will go away.

“Hey. HeY. HEY.”

It wasn’t working.

“Oi. I’m talking to you. Gimme attention.”

No response.

“Talk to me, I’m so bored. Oh my Apollo, are you mute?”

Eventually the other guard glared at him, irritably. “What?”

“HE SPEAKS!” After throwing his hands in the air dramatically, the first guard leant on his spear casually. “My name’s Andreas but my friends call me Dre.”

“Okay, Andreas. Shut up.”

“Sheesh, someone’s got an olive branch up their butt.” Andreas examined his nails, unfazed. “What are you even worried about? No one is going to bother doing anything here. This place is a wreck! What with the plague and the famine. I mean, if you’re going to rob somewhere at least make it worth the effort.”

“Please stop talking.”

“Also, did you hear about what’s going on inside the walls?” Andreas continued, ignoring him completely. “Talk about a freak in the bedroom, our majestic king is pretty kinky. Sleeping with his mum.” He shuddered. “How’d he even end up on the throne? He gets rid of one sphinx and his got everyone wrapped around his finger. Well, jokes on them I guess.”

Andreas chuckled before his face grew wistful. “You know what this reminds me of?”

“Nope.”

“Lions. Like in a pride. You wanna know why?”

“I really don’t care.”

“So there’s only one dude in the pride, right? The lion king. That means that when another guy lion is born, to become king he essentially has to kill his dad. And you know there’s one lioness that’s like the top dog – the king’s favourite honey. She’s got all the other lionesses gossiping about her during the daily zebra hunt because the king won’t make her get her own food. Basically, she’s the queen. So when the new dude lion kills the king, he then by default ends up ‘marrying’ the queen lioness or whatever it is lions do. Sniff each other’s butts? Nah, wait, I think that’s dogs.” Andreas’ face had become more enigmatic and the flickering fire revealed glimpses of his animated eyes glinting. “Now, if you just substitute our favourite messed-up royal family for the lions you’ve got one mighty fine metaphor. There’s Laius, the king of nothing now ‘cause he’s, you know, dead. Then dear, sweet Jocasta who busted the myth that mothers can recognise their sons anywhere unless that myth is actually true which would be wrong on so many other levels. And finally Thebes’ golden boy Oedipus. I’m not even going to go there.”

“So what do you think?” Andreas looked at the other guard with his chin resting precariously on the tip of his spear. “Am I right, or am I right?”

“Whatever you say.”

“C’mon broseidon. I worked hard on this theory – critique me, my body is ready.”

“It was great.”

“Suuuuure.” Andreas dumped his spear and walked up to his controlled partner. “I know you have thoughts.” He poked his cheek. “There’s a little opinion in there waiting to get out. Hit me with your best one, big man.”

“No thank you.”

“You’re not going to get out of this, you little Dionysus.” Andreas grabbed the other guard’s face between his hands as he smiled up at him. And, boy, did he have to smile up because the other guy was at least a head or even two taller than him. If Andreas was a stick, his colleague was a hundred-year old olive tree made up of lots and lots of sticks. He was big.

“Please tell me. Pretty please. Pretty please with a dry fig on top.”

“No.”

“I will actually pay you to give me your opinion. I don’t have a lot but I know this great robe tailor down in-”

“Oh, Apollo, fine.” The guard sighed, exasperated. “I think what happened to Oedipus’ was a great tragedy. His inability to acknowledge who he was and therefore his lack of self-knowledge was a fatal flaw to his overall character. Also, the fact that his pride and ignorance metaphorically blinded him to the truth that once revealed actually blinded him is unbelievably ironic. Tiresias may have been the actual blind one but he was also the only one that could see what was really going on, despite Oedipus’ stubbornness and refusal. What happened to Oedipus raises the question for all of us on whether we are all searching to ‘kill our fathers and marry our mothers’ in some way or form, though it doesn’t have to be as explicit as Oedipus’ example itself. Essentially though, it shows that trying to outrun or avoid fate will prove futile because everything will always play out as it was said it will.”

Andreas studied the other guard carefully before he shook his head and said, “Nah, man. I’m telling you – it’s just like lions.”

“I-”

“Whatever, I gotta go pee.” Andreas abandoned his post, leaving his perplexed and insecure associate alone to think in front of the towering walls of Thebes.

(born in 1998 and have a voice to share with the world? click here to find out how you can be heard!)

i know i'm late to the party but, hey, the party don't start until the cripplingly awkward socialite walks in, amiright? anyways, better late than never because i had absolutely no idea what i was missing before i had discovered the glistening treasure trove that is webcomics.

i love comics and graphic novels just as much as the next 5 minute geek. i've gone from short newspaper reads like garfield and calvin and hobbes to more longer series like scott pilgrim and amulet. i enjoy comic spin-offs of my favourite tv shows like avatar: the last airbender, adventure time and bravest warriors. and i've made my feelings about the archie comics very clear here. overall, i appreciate being able to read books with pictures that aren't just meant for children.

but i also tend to buy a lot of comics before i actually read them which means each purchase goes through a rigorous background check to make sure they're money well spent. also, i recently [had the best day of my life when i] quit my part-time job to concentrate on school and i'm absolutely outraged to find out that the depths of my savings apparently does have an end. i know, i know, libraries have buttloads of comics and books and they're all free!! but, you see, libraries require moving myself to a different location and i am lazy. why should i walk like 15 minutes to my local library when i can just reach out from the cave of blankets that i currently reside in, to grab my laptop and order books online that will come to the place where i already am? i am very grateful to be born during the era that i have been and i feel the best way to demonstrate that gratitude is by utilising the modern technology of my time to barely do shit all. and it's from that philosophy that my discovery stemmed.

flash forward to a couple of weeks ago when i was cheerily scrolling through my instagram feed, silent tears rolling down my face as i poured over fit bodies and healthy lifestyles that i would never get my indolent body to possess, when i saw one of the bookstagram accounts i follow mention a webcomic they were reading called omg check please. i stored the name in the back of my brain for future reference and - to my surprise - i remembered it a few days ago when it was around 1:30am and i was too tired to sleep (interesting how this memory doesn't come into play when i'm trying to recall something from school hmmm).

i had never read a webcomic before and i was wholeheartedly expecting some black and white pencil sketches accompanied by cheesy captions filled with grammatical errors on a tumblr blog with a tacky theme and the title, 'welcome to my twisted mind'. what i was not expecting was what i got, and that was a really really well done comic.

at first i didn't think i was going to be very interested in omg check please because a) it was about hockey and b) i didn't know anything about hockey except that it is a c) sport and d) i don't like sports. though, as friday night lights is currently teaching me, i know i shouldn't jump to conclusions (more on that later) (probably).

and i'm glad i did give ocp a go because i'm actually enjoying it. the art is very appealing and the dialogue is really funny - like laugh out loud funny. i was also very pleased that it had an lgbtq protagonist as well as culturally diverse characters. plus, the little hockey tidbits throughout the comic came in handy for noobs like me who at first couldn't even fully appreciate the pun in the name because i didn't even know what checking was.

it wasn't hard to quickly become up-to-date on ocp but while i waited for the next update, i was hungry to satiate my webcomic-fix. so i decided to hit up my bff google and let's just say my cravings won't be reappearing anytime soon. in the past week i devoured luke pearson's short stories and annihilated what was available online in nimona. i'm currently reading octopus pie and i'm loving every second i spend with my sardonic and organic girl. admittedly i did have to scour through a bit of smut here and there to find a comic worth sticking to, but who doesn't love some lame reads that make you scoff and groan in between the actually good work? if anything, the comparison made me appreciate the webcomics i read even more.

so i guess the moral of this post is that money is not proportionate to quality and once again, the internet has me worshipping the metaphysical ground it walks upon as i am not surprised to be surprised at the riches it contains.

(born in 1998 and have a voice to share with the world? click here to find out how you can be heard!)

last night i went to a friend's 18th and things got a little bit crazy to say the least. and by 'crazy' i mean of the alcoholic persuasion.

i don't remember the exact moment when the parties i went to with people from my year level stopped being pass the parcel and started being shots shots shots but it is what it is now. technically, i'm not allowed to drink. my parents are brown and asian so i'm expecting that rule not to change until i'm 30. at least. but the concoction of rebellion mixed with thudding music and pack mentality as well as just being a good ol' fashioned dumb teenager means forged permission notes at 6:30pm, jagermeister burning down my throat at 8pm and quickly trying to sober up at 11:30pm. i know its stupid but, again, it is what it is now.

last night's celebrations was for a girl part of the upper class in our grade's social hierarchy. i'm not gonna try and pretend cliques and popularity aren't a thing in high school and, sorry middle schoolers, they probably will be for a long time to come. but they also mean that the party circle i'm invited to involve practically the same groups of people every time which also means that most parties follow the same routine. you know who's going to hook up. you know who's going to be crying. you know who's going to be the centre of attention. you know who's going to be in all the photos. naturally it can all become boring and derivative. that is, unless you have your drunk goggles on which is what i did last night.

at first when i sat down to write this post i wanted to do one of those angsty poems about alcoholism and superficialness and how amidst the haze of lethargic movements and lack of filter you see a person for who they really are deep inside. i wanted to write something that would fit amongst the 1975 lyrics or have aesthetic tumblr accounts scrambling for the reblog button. except, for me, that's not what drinking was.

i mean, it was fun. i was buzzing on a confidence boost with only one goal: party. gone was my usual crippling sense of self-consciousness and self-awareness. i did not give a single, flying fuck what anyone else thought of me. though, if there's one thing i remember from last night, it's that i'm pretty sure i looked like a complete moron. but i was a moron who was having harmless fun so that's all good with me. i had no inhibitions and i didn't get caught which altogether equals a great night.

by no means am i encouraging underage drinking or saying that you need alcohol to have a good time. you do you and you do you responsibly. besides, rule number one when dinushka goes drinking is do not throw up. that fear of puking and having the most sacred part of my body penetrated by the half-digested contents of my stomach (my mouth is where i taste food and thus it is the temple that i worship) ensures i cut myself off before anything becomes too hectic. what i think i'm trying to say is that not everything is deep and meaningful and reflects the inner-workings of humanity. sometimes it's just pure, mindless fun.

(born in 1998 and have a voice to share with the world? click here to find out how you can be heard!)

the past few days have been the best of my life and it's all because of pokémon go.

from the moment i heard that pokémon go could possibly be a thing, i've been more excited than a labrador who's seen a tennis ball (which is to say pretty well excited). i waited to pounce on every update. i read all the articles and news that came out. and i told everyone that even though this is my last year of high school, the second pokemon go comes out it will be my number one priority.

so i was most definitely not expecting that for the first time since the dawn of time - instead of being excluded by region - that pokémon go would be hitting australian phones first. and, boy, do i regret not starting my holiday homework last week.

i woke up on wednesday at the normal, everyday time of 12:22pm only to open my phone and be bombarded by notifications and messages and snaps. i quickly clicked on the nearest one and immediately snapped out of my sleep-ridden stupor - wednesday was the day.

i didn't even think as i swiped my way to the app store, heart pounding as the little pokéball icon downloaded onto my homepage. a smile spread on my face of its own accord as i prepared to finally experience my dreams. i was beyond thrilled. and i was just about to open the app when the most annoying, puny little voice piped up in my head. i remembered that i had an important tutor exam in two days and only last night i had sternly told myself that i will stop shitting about. i immediately began to justify why i didn't necessarily need to study, as i so often did when it came to work vs pleasure issues, but the night before had been a big moment for me - very responsible and epiphanic blah blah blah. so i decided that i would deny myself my greatest desire until the moment the exam was finished and then i could catch 'em all to my heart's content (ignoring all my homework in the process). and for an hour or two, i did! that is until my brother burst into my room and showed me the pokémon he caught on his. i shoved my finger itching towards my phone under my leg. i ooooed and ahhhed at the appropriate times, hoping he would soon leave. but then he told me that unfortunately his name was already taken so he had to put some random numbers in and the battle was over. i had to start playing soon so i could get my name, right?

fast forward to today and i have been outside more times in the past week than in the previous five or so years. instead of avoiding the more populated side of my neighbourhood, i now march straight into the masses in the hopes to find more rarer pokémon. i went on a two hour walk today - barely noticing the time slip by as i chased a growlithe around my local park - and passed at least 10 people on their own pokémon adventures, nodding and smiling at them knowingly before turning back to my phone and waiting eagerly for it to vibrate and reveal my new potential teammate.

pokemon go has been a phenomenal success. but with great hype comes great amounts of sheep following the herd. the same people who scoffed at me for playing pokemon during lunch at school just last year are now running around the city asking 'where can i find a pikachu?' people who barely know the difference between a caterpie and a weedle are pulling out their phones at parties to show off their party like 'hey look at me, i'm cool and trendy too'.

i wanted to tell them that i've been waiting for this game since forever. i wanted to tell them that i watched a two hour panel of the programmers discussing the upcoming features a month ago and enjoyed every second. i wanted to tell them that years of waking up early to watch the cartoons and play 'who's that pokémon' means that i can identify a species from its shadow in a heartbeat. i wanted to tell them that this is more to me than the 'app of the week' and instead it's a chance for me to live my childhood in a way that i only ever dreamed of. i wanted to tell them that in the top ten experiences of my life this was way up there.

but then i realised that i was just being a giant asshole.

the source of the pokemon franchise's appeal comes from the fact that it's personal. everyone's first pokemon game is different. everyone chose a different starter. everyone buys a different card deck. everyone watches a different movie. the key storyline of pokemon is the same: catch 'em all, fight the gyms, train your team, save the world, be the pokemon master. but the way that each person does it is so distinctly unique from their team to their battle strategy to whether they decide to even do a contest.

so maybe some people's first experience of the pokémon world is through pokémon go. good for them. i don't want to be just another elitist snob trotting in on my high rapidash to stubbornly declare that the first 151 pokémon are the best of them all without ever even playing another game. granted, i've never gone past sinnoh, but what i do is so different to anyone else.

pokémon's key demographic is kids and what's the common factor between all kids from the past, present and future? there's always going to be new ones which means there's always going to be someone with their first pokémon experience waiting around the corner. i don't want to be the prick that takes the joy and sentimentality of that moment away from them.

besides, the more popular it becomes, the more important it will be for the company which means the more updates and new things they will create. and i definitely won't complain about that.

(born in 1998 and have a voice to share with the world? click here to find out how you can be heard!)

i've been a fan of bo burnham's ever since i stumbled across one of his videos while in a deep dark hole of youtube a couple of years ago. what. immediately became my favourite comedy special, nudging donald glover's weirdo out of its long-running title at first place. i still love weirdo, but bo's mixture of music, narrative and cringingly perfect puns is near impossible to beat.

when i saw him post tour dates for his make happy tour i was bummed. they were all in america so oceans and borders were keeping me away from my comedic hero. but when i heard that he would be releasing it all in a new netflix special, i was beyond stoked. i marked the date on my calendar with a smiley face. i counted down the days. and when the moment finally came, i told my abundant pile of urgent homework to go fuck itself while i mentally prepared myself for what the next hour would hold.

and, boy, i was not disappointed. i had grown up since what. and so had bo. there was still the same surprisingly beautiful piano pieces under shockingly dark yet hilarious lyrics. there was still masturbation jokes and bo's magnetic stage persona that managed to look down and above at the audience simultaneously. there was still the acknowledgement and then subsequent disregard of political correctness. but the thing that made make happy so different to what. was that bo wasn't really hiding anymore. this time it was personal.

in what. bo didn't really talk about himself. or he did but it was so obviously not real. there was that distinct separation between the act and the person. in make happy, though, that line was blurred. bo was shamelessly putting it all out there - his fears and concerns and worries. he wasn't there to please anyone. not anymore. i mean, he straight up told the audience that his "biggest problem is you" before quickly covering it up with an actually really good kanye impersonation.

look, i'm not using this as a basis to declare that bo is mentally unstable or deeply depressed. i can't just decide to interpret his left and right brain separating as not authentic and then the moment he talks about real shit as an accurate reflection of his actual self. i don't know him. but i do very much hope that he is happy.

the thing that really stuck with me, though, was his exploration of internet culture. i hated it. because it was so so so true.

our generation is fixated with being on display and big corporate people sitting at the head of long tables on the top floors of skyscrapers are grinning devilishly as they continuously dish out social media and technology that allows us to do so and we so eagerly embrace. and i'm not saying this as a condescending hipster teetering over my decaf-skinny-one-sugar-affogato. i'm saying this because this is me. i'm so preoccupied with having people hear me that life is running by and i barely glance up from my obsession with being noticed to see it go. i don't want to live as a complete unknown where everything i do has absolutely zero effect on anything at all. i want to be important.

in a more deep lull of the show, bo advised all of us internet warriors that "if you can live your life without an audience, you should do it." and i took that to heart. only one person was going to live this life and that was me so why should it matter if anyone else knows about it? so i tweeted that quote on my twitter and haven't posted since. but even then, let's be real, i was silently waiting for someone to comment on my wittiness. and even then i only chose to ignore my twitter because i had merely 24 followers who were definitely ignoring me. and even then i'll probably join the twitter-verse again one day.

and that was that. fuck everyone else, my only sole purpose in life was for me and i'll live for me and i'l die for me. done-zel washington. so why, dinushka, are you posting this on a blog that is so obviously created for other people to pay you the attention that you so maddeningly crave? well, let me tell you, reader-asking-me-questions-that-does-not-exist.

i realised that it was not the audience that i was after. that was just a potential byproduct of the real goal. because all i really want in life, is to leave my mark. that's it. i don't want to be born and live and die and thus have any traces of myself blown away amongst the sands of time. that would be just so pointless. imagine living a lifespan of experiences and work and having absolutely nothing to show for it. ok, maybe there's children and relationships and ooo the connections you make wowee. except that's just not me. i want to be so much bigger than that.

i know that one day we'll all be forgotten. i know that one day cities will crumble and the human race will be just fossils and the earth will be swallowed by the sun. but that's not today and today i want to be remembered. today i want to matter.

(side note: the lighting in make happy, jesus, it was fucking lit)

(born in 1998 and have a voice to share with the world? click here to find out how you can be heard!)

as melbourne begins to crawl back into hibernation while the depths of winter wrap us up in its frigid arms and the stress of senior year is starting to smother me like a homicidal maniac with a pillow, it's time to look back. and reflect. and wish i was back in hawaii like i was in january 2015.

what is this, the fourth post in a month? unexplained hiatus who?

anyways

i think the main reason that i stopped blogging oh so long ago is that i felt that it was pointless. i was ignoring homework and other priorities in favour of pouring my heart and soul into a post that practically no one would read. to try and fix this, i'd post the link for each of my blog posts on my tumblr with copious amounts of hashtags that were barely relevant in an attempt to reach a wider audience. but even then, i assume the handful of people that even bothered to click the link were just there to skim through another piece of work to do with their fandom before never checking out my blog again. that's not what i wanted. i wanted readers. i wanted friends.

then i realised that this sense of isolation was probably to do with the fact that i was isolated. i was trying to reach out to the teen blog universe but i was barely in it myself. i wasn't following any other blogs similar to mine - i wasn't really reading any other blogs at all. i was just wandering around on a lonely, empty road yelling my opinions into the nothingness.

so i turned to my good old pal, google. i scoured through posts and posts about 'the next tavi gevinsons' and 'up and coming teen bloggers to look out for'. i read through article and article on teen vogue, forbes and elle. i even clicked onto the second google search-page. but the second i clicked on each link, i would just dig up a dead blog. their owners had left them ages ago for the bright lights of ready-made social media accounts on instagram and twitter, abandoning their adolescent obsessions like a nintendog. when they were older, they might come back to blogging but i didn't care. adult blogs didn't interest me - i didn't want to read about divorces, mid-life crises and fabulous meatloaf recipes. i thought the world of teen blogging was over. that is, until i stumbled across 'teenage blogger central'.

suddenly i was faced with a buttload of blogs that were actually still being updated. there were people all around the world that were my age who were writing and creating and photographing things that i actually liked. the world of teen blogging wasn't dead - i was just looking under beds when i should of been searching through the clouds.

so, don't make my mistake. hit up tbc. trust me, you'll probably find a blog that's a lot better than this one.

(born in 1998 and have a voice to share with the world? click here to find out how you can be heard!)